What Have I Been Doing? (Life Update)

Over the past half year, I’ve started writing this blog post at least five times. I mean to update my friends on how my life is going: what my days look like lately. It’s changed so many times this year, and I don’t mean that negatively at all.

But every time, I run out of steam a few paragraphs in, daunted by the enormity of what I could cover. By the next day, the draft is on its way to being long-forgotten. You see, I can’t describe what I’m doing without describing why I’m doing it, and the “why“ is basically my entire life story thus far.

It’s easy enough to decide where to start (reading Popular Science in the optometrist’s office at age 10, probably). It’s easy enough to decide where to end: the present, where I’m sitting in the living room of my Somerville co-op, typing away with roughened hands. But what do I include in between? I like to explain things completely, from first principles, but that bent often leads to the silence of a mouth stuffed with more than it can chew.

So instead of explaining things completely, as I usually try to do, I’ll just show some pieces of my life. It won’t be complete, but I think it will paint a picture. Maybe an impressionistic one.

Why don’t we start with the weather? It’s finally gotten cold enough to affect the cadence of my work. The shed is just over half insulated with slip-straw, and it’s damp work, only partially offset by the heat of activity. Full steam at the mixing table is the best for that: both arms stirring wide circles, lifting, tossing, rotating at the hip, scrubbing straw against the pooled clay slip. Tamping the slip-coated straw into the wall cavities is less wildly active: the downward blows of the tamping stick are more directed, and some caution must be taken to not bash one’s arms against against the frame.

Fifty degrees seems to be my lower threshold for careless comfort. That’s where I start layering up, packing a hot beverage (ginger tea, for added menstrual pain relief), and eating lunch indoors. I’d intended to be done with the straw-clay walls by winter, but of course, it’s taking longer than I expected. There was more work to be done than I expected, on all fronts. More research, more design finagling, more demolition, more workshop organizing, more supplier wrangling.

The big thing that’s been dogging me for months, since I started working for myself in earnest in August, is stress. Not more than a few weeks after I threw myself into working on this project full-time was I greeted with physical alarm bells. I often woke up inexplicably in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep for hours. My productivity (and ability to enjoy life) for the following day would then take a big hit. Some other physical signs also emerged: not serious but certainly annoying. In concert, these signs seemed to be spelling out a very loud message:

PLEASE CHILL OUT.

I didn’t really perceive myself to be excessively stressed. I equated that with racing, irrational thoughts. My thoughts didn’t seem racing or irrational. So I figured that it was more subconscious, beneath the layer of rational thought. It was comforting to think that I could be experiencing a real mental difficulty without being “crazy.” (What a radical concept! Very forward-thinking of me.)

I enacted my “emergency plan to be less stressed”, which consisted of morning walks and a hard stop on work after 4 pm. I also devised a new mental story to enact during my insomniac wakings, which quite effectively put me back to sleep sooner.

By some point in September, I was back to sleeping through the night, to my immense relief. Life could go on. The other issues I’m still working on, and have discussed with the docs. My emergency stress-relief habits have fallen off, and yet again, I’m attempting to get back into a supportive routine. I’m always trying to get back into a routine.

People have told me that I seem so disciplined. I don’t feel so. I have some discipline, for sure, but at heart, I’m a sprinter, not a long-distance runner. Just like I did in school, I drop (almost) everything for the Big Test of Life when it comes. I put out a massive, adrenaline-fueled effort (“Wow, you’re so good at getting things done!” “YEAH, BECAUSE I’M K*LLING MYSELF IN THE PROCESS!”), and then I collapse. As Tumblr said: very slow tigers are chasing me. And then sometimes I set loose a very fast tiger on myself. The key, still, is that none of the tigers are actually tigers.

I’m very lucky right now to have nearly maximum control over my life: when I sleep, when I wake, when I work, what I do. I see it as a prime opportunity to improve myself. To stop painting tigers, learn to be a long-distance runner (in both senses), and become more at ease in myself. The prospect of self-improvement excites me. The challenge is to stay present and bring that energy to each moment.

I’ve never had such freedom. Now I relate much more to Spider-Man: with great power comes great responsibility. I can no longer blame anything on my overseers (teachers and managers, historically). I have stepped out of the power dynamic that I’d been in all my life. The new mental loads are a lot to adjust to, as worth it as the freedom may be.

I track my work hours in detail, filling out several rows of a spreadsheet each day. The data is a double-edged sword: on one hand, I can use it to set reasonable expectations and remind myself when I need to work more or less. On the other hand, it fuels my insecurity about not working enough. I rarely log more than 40 hours a week, the “standard” number. And that’s counting bike commuting time. The 40+ hour weeks have left me temporarily burnt-out, more than most experiences have before. It takes a couple days of rest and taking it easy before I am full of zest and everything is great again. I fight an internal battle between feeling ashamed and feeling justified about how much I work.

I tell myself lots of things to get over it:

• Who said 40 hours was ideal anyway? And for whom?
• What’s the point of working for myself if you self-enforce society’s arbitrary standards anyway?
• Not all hours are equal. My past desk jobs included a bunch of sitting through meetings, chatting with coworkers, spacing out, and eating lunch. Now, my hours are far more concentrated and intense. I can’t do it for as long, but it gets more done per hour.
• It is okay to work less just to be happier! In fact, if you can, that’s the right thing to do! Stop worshipping economic output! That’s the capitalistic brainwashing talking!
• I naturally prefer a work cadence that is shorter bursts of more intense work rather than longer, slower days.
• It’s not a competition
• And even if it were, who’s judging? (I could’ve kept the data to myself but you all have been added to the panel now, congrats!)
• Whatever works, dude
• My 👏 value 👏 is 👏 not 👏 just 👏 my 👏 labor
• I’m in a challenging transition, have some grace
• There’s probably a lot of additional untracked time that I spend thinking about work stuff. As opposed to my previous jobs, where I was able to easily leave it all behind at the office
• By the way, my parents don’t hate me
• When’s the last time I took a vacation?

But as usual, just trying to think better thoughts doesn’t do much to unstick this complex. It’ll probably take more getting used to, more experience, more meditation—more time, in short. I’m okay with that.

Though there have been challenges, it certainly hasn’t been a bad time for me! I’ve enjoyed so much in the past months:

• Warm receptions for my work, from random strangers, workshop participants, friends, collaborators, other professionals in the field… You can read more about what’s been going on work-wise in my latest post on biolithicbuilds.com
  • I actually did make a version of the Explain Everything post that this post was supposed to be—in the form of a 49-slide presentation that I gave at the Biolithic Builds launch party. It was very fun but I can’t share it here because it’s a live performance. But maybe some day, I’ll make the blog post version of it.
• Making new friends who inspire me!

• Reading lots of books: my enthusiasm for learning (and sharing about trees has reached a new fever pitch). Six new books (borrowed or bought) have entered my personal library. I’ve also led another tree tour, asking for tips for the first time and getting them! I’ve also read more “fun” books (19 and counting!) in the last year than I have in the 7 years combined, a real return to my roots.
• Weekday jaunts to the park and the farmer’s market
• Living with a wonderful group of people ❤
• The build itself going well (all in all, nothing serious has gone wrong or failed!)
• Friends reaching out to offer support (I am so grateful for you all)

I feel confident saying that I feel more comfortable and settled in myself than ever. One memorable moment was watching a video taken at my New York workshop. I watched myself walking around, carrying buckets, sifting dirt, mixing cob. I usually hate seeing myself on video, but to my surprise, I didn’t cringe. I looked confident. In my element, dare I say. For the first time, I saw myself as being in the right place.

It’s wonderful to feel so excited about life. While I may be tired and stressed at moments, I’m filled with energy and enthusiasm in at least as many others. There are so many things that I’m looking forward to, so much. Cultivating friendships, working on new building projects, training to become a docent at the arboretum, more bike trips, getting through my mending pile, teaching kids, learning more geology… I love my life and I love my work. It’s really happening.

By the way, I am stoked to share that I am an author on the latest edition of The Last Straw, the natural building magazine. The theme this edition is “Natural Building Education: How designers and builders have passed down regenerative construction methods and why this unconventional wisdom matters now more than ever.” I interviewed a bunch of young natural building folks I worked with in Moab. It’s a terrific grassroots publication, full of heart, featuring incredible people. You can click this link to get the print or digital edition.

Also, I made this playlist for you.

Until next time!